March 28, 2009

"Whatta Man" Peanut Butter Muffins

Man. Man, oh man, oh man. Words cannot express how utterly exciting it is to find the bold (yet sensitive) flavor of peanut butter in something as normal, as Plain Shane, as a muffin. I know what you're thinking: Dude, peanut butter is normal, too. Yes, this is true. (It's also true that you're a downer who always makes me feel stupid.) But, when peanut butter arrives on your tongue out of nowhere like some sort of mystical, tongue-kissing Zeus, the sensation is one that could change your day--no, your life. Eat this muffin and, I guarantee, something sexy and magical will happen to you soon thereafter. Do you need evidence with which to support this claim? I thought you'd ask. Here's your (weak & imaginary) evidence, Sherlock.

Imagine this: You are in your car. A cat darts out in front of you. To avoid hitting the cat, you swerve slightly to the right and drive onto the curb. Rattled and out of breath, you decide to wait for the wave of adrenaline to hush. This might take a while. So, you exhale, unbuckle your seatbelt and turn on the radio. "Whatta Man," by Salt 'N' Pepa (featuring En Vogue), just happens to be playing on your favorite station. The familiar lyrics and beats allow you to relax, and even dance a little, in your seat.

It's then you see him walking down the sidewalk. A supernova of a man. A whole galaxy, even. Something about the shape of his head and the curve of his neck tells you, without a doubt, that the two of you are supposed to spend the rest of your lives together. He seems to be heading in the direction of your car
with much urgency. His eyes dart from left to right to left to right and even up a few times. He must be looking for something, so you roll down the window and ask him if he needs some help. ("Whatta Man" is still bellowing out of your speakers, in case you were wondering.) "Is everything OK?" you ask.

"No," he says, "I've lost my cat. She ran out of my apartment 5 minutes ago. Have you seen a cat roaming around? She's, uh, brown."

"Yes--yes I have," you say with all the confidence of Hillary Clinton. It's like she's living in your throat, power suit and all.

"I think I saved your cat's life," you say to this crab nebula in cargo pants. "Look, there she is."

The two of you gaze across the street and see Tina--your soon-to-be lover's cat, the cat you almost killed--rolling in a bed of purple flowers. Sunshine rays down on Tina, and in that collage of an instant, her fur appears to be emitting sparks of electricity. Tina is a collection of electrons, and the two of you--you and the man--whisper in unison, "She's alive."


Some of Tina's magical electrons must have made their way into the air and into your nose and into your brain cells and heart cells because before you know what you're doing you get out of your car and approach the man and the two of you embrace and before you even know his name and before he knows yours you kiss each other and know then that this is it. This is the electron in which you have been destined to live. This is the moment Tina had been directing you towards when she darted across the street and sent you swerving, safely, onto the curb. Tina, precious Tina, gave you this man. Tina changed your life.


[Cough, cough. Ready to transition back to reality, folks?]

Remember the peanut butter muffin from paragraph 1? Remember when I said that that muffin "could change your day--no, your life?" That muffin is Tina. (OK, so the story about the cat and the hot dude isn't really evidence, per se, as I suggested earlier; it is only an allegory. Once again, you have spotted one of my "pervasive and asinine" logical fallacies, as you like to call them. Aren't you a brilliant downer?)

Despite this alleged rhetorical weakness, I'm going to stick to the promise I made to you in paragraph 1: eat this muffin and hot things will happen. Just as Tina led the hypothetical you to the love of your life, this muffin just might be able to lead the real you to something sexy and special--maybe to a man with a soft spot for brown cats made of magical electrons? Who knows. If nothing else, the silky surprise of peanut butter in these muffins might be all the surprising love you need in this world. Go ahead--open your car door! Something, or someone, might be there waiting for you...

*Disclaimer 1: Author is not responsible for any mixed, weak, or corny metaphors in this post.

*Disclaimer 2: Remember "Whatta Man"? I love that song.

"Whatta Man" Peanut Butter Muffins
(makes 12)
The images above are from my first batch of "Whatta Man" muffins. In this batch I forgot to add the chocolate chips to the batter before spooning them into the muffin tins, so I merely sprinkled a few on top before baking. In the second batch, I stirred about 1/2 cup of mini semi-sweet chocolate chips into the batter before baking. I also used whole wheat flour instead of white flour the second time around. The second batch was far more desirable in my opinion. However, are mini chocolate chips manly? Is wheat flour manly? I say "yes," but I'm not a downer like you.

1 3/4 cup flour (white or wheat)
2 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp salt
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup oil
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 Tbs. agave or honey
1 tsp. apple cider vinegar
1 cup rice milk
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

1. In a small bowl, mix rice milk with cider vinegar. Allow mixture to sit for at least 5 minutes.

2. In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, salt, and baking powder. In a small bowl, combine the brown sugar, agave, and oil. Whisk until well combined. Add your peanut butter, rice milk, and vanilla extract to the whipped sugar. Whisk wet ingredients until well combined.

3. Pour your wet ingredients into your dry ingredients, and with a wooden spoon stir just until combined. Fold in your chocolate chips.

4. Spoon dough into greased muffin tins, and bake for 12-15 minutes at 350. When a toothpick comes out clean, pull these babies out of the oven and indulge!

1 comment:

Hadley Gets Crafty said...

I made the saddest "healthy" banana/almond muffins this weekend. I should have just embraced the sugar and made these! <3