April 22, 2009

All is Right in the Head (of Cauliflower)

Oh Moody Kitchen, you were not meant to be abandoned. As I peek my head above my stack of to-be-graded essays, I see you growling at me contemptuously with your pixelated teeth. But, please know this: I still want you madly. I want you like a hungry dog wants an uncooked steak, or like a chipmunk wants an M&M. Really, I do. But you must wait for just a few more days, baby. I’ve gotta get my s**t together first. Before these essays were submitted, I was a real woman—a woman with hopes, dreams, and cauliflowery ambitions. I need to find that woman—that woman I was before this red pen was placed in my hand.

Until my identity is once again exhumed, allow me to share some of my latest cauliflower research with you. As some of you know, cauliflower and I go way back. We were buddies in high school. Cauliflower braided my hair and did my homework, and I ate her head—you know, normal BFF stuff.

Anyhow, my hard-hitting, finger-on-the-pulse research has proven that my awkward, clumsy best friend (who suffered from “other child” syndrome during her formative years—her older sister was, after all, broccoli (that bitch!)) has, through much hardship, become an inspiration to many. Sure, broccoli had thin legs and softer hair, but as cauliflower budded (haha) into a young woman, her brainy (haha) nature proved to be much more seductive. While broccoli lies wilting in the fridge of her past (sucka!), cauliflower matures into deeper constellations of deliciousness.

Here’s what some well-respected people of letters have said of cauliflower’s splendor:

“Cauliflower is nothing but a cabbage with a college education.” –Mark Twain (Hmmm…this quote may not work to support my research thesis. *Highlight, right click, DELETE!*) Twain eating a cigar (which is nothing but a cigarette with a college education)

“Come forth with a cauliflower who will plunk herself down beside Him and worry like a white brain.” –Anne Sexton (I like Ms. Sexton’s use of the word “plunk”—yes, yes, that is very caulifloweresque. Unlike insensible Mr. Twain, Ms. Sexton seems to understand the sacred nature of cauliflower. However, I find myself grappling with the same academic dilemma as before: how the hell will I use this as support of my thesis? It ain't exactly logical and scholarly. Save it for the epigraph, you suggest? Perfect! An epigraph is a storage unit for the "useless but beautiful.")

Nothing about Sexton is "plunk"

Sadly, I must put my questionable cauliflower research on hold until I find more logos-driven, pro-cauliflower source information. And until I finish grading my students’ essays. And until I find a way to reconfigure the pieces of my lost identity. Until then, I will be raging against the page with my red pen while munching on the crisp and flowery head of my old best friend: cauliflower.

Here is a simple recipe to hold you over until our next not-quite-sane session. Well, it’s less a recipe and more a pile of random ingredients that, together, make for a tasty, textured meal. This is a cheap, quick-fix meal to make when time becomes an engine that refuses to die.

Getting A-head Brain Food

4-5 cauliflower florets, chopped finely
2 Tbs. horseradish sauce
A few smashed crackers of your preference
Juice of ¼ a lemon
Loads of black pepper and a dash of salt

Toss in bowl, stir, and eat away to your head’s content!


Breedale said...

OOOOHHHHH! I am so making that! You know I love horseradish with a passion. I wish I had thought of it, but am glad you did and shared. I too have always been more fond of the white goddess. You crack me up!
Only one more full week. I'm not counting those three extra days as a week. Then you can banish the red pen for the summer!

Hadley Gets Crafty said...

Smashed crackers are funny. I don't know why, though.

Oh, I am such a fan of Anne Sexton.

Finally, I think it should be noted that Mark Twain's head looks not at all unlike a cauliflower.

Paul Allor said...

Mmmmmmmmmmmm, fractal brassicaceae ...